LONDON Love&Hate 愛と憎しみのロンドン

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メイ・ディに、インディペンデント紙で興味を惹かれる記事を読みました。主題は離婚にまつわるつらい記憶をインターネット、突き詰めるとソーシャル・ネットワークが忘れさせてくれない、ということ。ですが、記事の後半にでてくる the internet doesn't forget って、離婚だけではないだろうということを考えました。青地にした部分は僕が興味を持った部分にしかすぎません。

Divorce in the internet age: It’s complicated

To move on after a relationship ends, you need to be able to forget. But how can you when the internet has such a long memory?

Nathan Bransford
Tuesday, 1 May 2012

A year ago, as my first novel was being published and I was starting a new career, I was also dealing with one of the hardest stretches of my life due to an unexpected divorce. The divorce particulars won't break new ground in the genre and I don't pretend my experience is any more or less painful than what others have gone through.

But in the era of Facebook, Twitter, Google, email and blogs, this literally isn't your parents' divorce anymore. Thanks to the internet, there are things we never before had to worry about confronting and no roadmap on how to get through. The essentials of divorce may be the same, but the digital landscape new divorcees confront is new and deeply strange.

Lest you think the peculiar challenges of getting divorced in the internet era are limited solely to the highly connected, I should say I've never really lived my life in public. My internet presence is devoted almost entirely to my professional life and while I might peel back the curtain to flaunt my horrific taste in television shows, my day-to-day life has mostly been off-limits. But my personal life inevitably crept onto the internet, whether I wanted it to or not. I never even told the internet I was getting married in 2008, but when I announced on my blog that I would be featuring guest posts for a few weeks, one anonymous commenter guessed that I was going on my honeymoon. Then another managed to find (and link to) my gift registry, which I hadn't even realised was online. I deleted those comments, but shortly thereafter "Nathan Bransford Wedding" became the second most-searched term involving my name, a position it has bizarrely occupied ever since. ("Nathan Bransford Divorce" has risen to #3 on Google, despite my never having mentioned the divorce online.)

Shortly after our marriage, my then-wife started a blog that chronicled and photographed our real life. Despite being uncomfortable blurring our public and private spheres, I linked to her and mentioned her by name. My private life was creeping online anyway. It seemed futile to resist the semi-public nature of the web, which was fine until my marriage unraveled.

Post-divorce, the internet has become a personal minefield. There was the time shortly after the split when LinkedIn suggested I connect with my ex's new boyfriend. There was a time when Facebook kept surfacing "remember this moment?" photos of me and my ex from my mother's profile. I hid and changed my relationship status in the dead of night so as few people as possible would notice the change and ask me about it.

Worst of all is Gmail, which has one of the most maddening "features" to confront anyone going through a breakup. Nearly every time I wrote an e-mail to friends this past year, Gmail oh-so-helpfully suggested I include my ex-wife in the email. And you can't turn this off. It still happens, despite my pleas to Google to make it optional. (Google obviously doesn't employ enough divorcees.)


That awkward moment of running into your ex can happen virtually at any time, even when you're comfortably sitting at home. Every mutual friend's Instagram feed is an encounter waiting to happen. Every search through email to find an address or a phone number is a danger zone of old conversations and memories.

Blog readers and interviewers still ask after my wife, questions I have become increasingly skilled at dodging. Uncomfortable as it is, I can't put the genie back in the bottle.

When my ex and I split, she adopted a scorched Earth approach to social media. She deleted her Facebook profile and blog entirely and started new ones. (Facebook dutifully suggested I befriend her new profile.)

I didn't have the luxury of starting over. I had four years of posts devoted to writing and publishing and discarding all of that because of a few mentions of my ex wouldn't have made any sense. It's all out there anyway. It's my life, I can't pretend it didn't happen. The internet makes it impossible to cover your tracks.



To move on emotionally after a divorce or a breakup, you have to forget. You gradually move on from the pain, the particulars of fraught conversations fade, your memories of being together become hazy and you reconstruct your life. The relationship eventually feels like a strange dream you once had, and you move on. That's how we heal.

 You have to forget に関しては意見を同じにしない。忘れたければ忘れればいいし、忘れたくなければ覚えておけばいい。誰にも強制されることではない。大切なのは、どうしてその特定の経験を忘れたいのかを、本人が理解しているかどうかだと思う。

But the internet doesn't forget. It has a perfect memory. And, what's more, it's constructed to force memories on you with the assumption that the experience will be pleasant. Most people don't have a photo album of themselves and their ex sitting on their coffee table, but Facebook Timeline shows your past to all your friends unless you go back and spend a lot of time revising your past. My ex's new life isn't entirely out of view – it keeps popping into my social media feeds and Google Reader.



I've had to draw up new blueprints with mutual friends to figure out how to navigate parties I'm not at that will be mentioned online. I've had to get used to the weirdness of commenting on the same friends' Facebook photos as my ex and living a strangely distant parallel life that sometimes can also feel way too close. Our natural coping strategies can't compete with Facebook and Twitter.



There is one big benefit to divorce in 2012, though. Now when I date new people, I don't have to have a painfully awkward conversation where I break the news that I'm divorced. Anyone who is a halfway-decent Google stalker has already figured it out.


I debated whether to write about this for a very long time. I'm a naturally private person and a children's book author at that. But there's barely such a thing left as a personal life any more. Your life is preserved in Facebook status updates, Google searches and public records and it's impossible to erase the past. Whether that's a good or terrifying thing is beside the point. It just is.

I could keep it ambiguous online, or just clear up the mystery. I could continue to dodge questions about my wife, or I could just come out and say I'm divorced.

I'm divorced. There's no hiding from it in the social media era.

Nathan Bransford is an author and blogger




Never Forgets - Greg

Most discussions about the Internet is about keeping others from seeing your past. In Europe there is a movement in some countries to create a "right to be forgotten" and mandatory tools to allow you to erase things about you. This won't work, but they try.

This article is about someone trying to forget his own past. and it's an unusual dilemma. I guess he lives in London where you can try to be anonymous. But people living in smaller towns have always had to face their ex-wives. I think he's a bit too sensitive. I'm guessing they don't have children. Divorced Parents sharing children communicate almost daily about their kids. So I am not sympathetic to someone trying to "move on". I don't think gmail is his nemesis. He is a bit too sensitive to me.
2012.05.04 Fri 01:51 URL [ Edit ]

- ハマちゃん




2012.05.04 Fri 07:40 URL [ Edit ]

- ハマちゃん


連想したのは、マックス・モズレーのスキャンダルで、あのときNews Of The Worldが件のビデオをネット上で公開しましたよね。







2012.05.04 Fri 08:55 URL [ Edit ]

- ハマちゃん


2012.05.04 Fri 08:59 URL [ Edit ]

- 守屋

Hello Greg,

To begin with, I agree with your point about the man. I would say he was also naive about the real impact of the internet on his life. From my perspective, he seems to be angry with himself because of his misjudgment.
Instead of admitting his fault , however, he attacks his ex and SNS. Nonetheless, it is also he who allowed his ex to update their relationship into the internet. It may be better for him to accept his own anger towards him.

As we discussed before, when everything goes well with the internet, we are likely to ignore the dark side of the internet. But, when it causes problems, powerless majority, including me, have no power to solve the problems against the internet giants, such as Google. I sometimes feel the internet world is well controlled by absolutely powerful minority. We cannot tell who they are and where they are.
2012.05.06 Sun 18:17 URL [ Edit ]

- 守屋

ハマちゃん さん

2012.05.06 Sun 18:26 URL [ Edit ]


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