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Pray for Jin Jin

スクリーンショット 2015-12-25 15.08.04

This is a really sad story for me and it may be selfish to write this on Christmas Day. However, it will be my lifelong task that I always remember what pleasure Jin Jin brought into my life.

Almost ten days ago, Jin Jin started to show us his discomfort on his tummy area. I thought he did not like his new diet food which was supposed to help him to lose weight. My flatmate, who is a co-owner of the cats here, left for his working/ holiday on 17th and since then Jin Jin stopped his poos. Although he also stopped eating properly, his bottom tummy looked bloated. I was worried about his condition, but I did not have time to take him to the vet.

On 20th, when I was writing my next column, Jin Jin was drinking the huge amount of water from his favourite bowl. I became so afraid that something was really wrong. As soon as finishing my column, I googled with [my cat drinks water, but not eating] both in Japanese and in English. The Japanese information horrified me. I found a comprehensive one from Battersea's site and as I followed their suggestion, I gave Jin Jin a small amount of wet food. He did not eat the meat, but he licked its jelly.

I felt relieved, but I called the main clinic of our local vet and booked a slot for Jin Jin on 24th. On Monday and Tuesday, because I was overwhelmed by the situation, I bought a lot of the wet food for Jin Jin.

On 23rd, when I gave Jin Jin the wet food as breakfast, he did not touch it at all and his bottom tummy was bigger than the previous night. Late afternoon when I came back to the flat, Jin Jin looked really exhausted and I immediately called the local vets. Although they were fully booked, they provided us a slot.

It was too late to do full assessment there. Jin Jin was give a couple of treatments. We went home later.

On Christmas Eve, I took Jin Jin to the local vet and left him there because the vets needed to check up his condition. I was hoping Jin Jin would suffer a minor problem. When I was shopping at a supermarket, the vets called me and asked me to come back as quickly as possible.

At the clinic, there were no other owners, but only me. The doctor ushered me to the consulting room. He told me that he found modified transudate from cancer in Jin Jin's tummy. This pressured his vessels in his bottom area and caused terrible pain to Jin Jin. He did not miow, but for the last few days, when I touched his body, he clearly showed he was not happy to be touched. According to the doctor, Jin Jin's cancer tumor was the size of a grapefruit and it seemed to grow up quite rapidly.

The doctor said that he could send Jin Jin to a specialist and Jin Jin might be able to have further treatments, but from his experience, more than half of the cases, cats died during the exhausting process. Or, I would have to put him down.

I became completely blank for a few seconds, then I was burst in tears, crying uncontrolably.

Could not believe it. On 3rd of Dec, Jin Jin was waiting for Neko Neko finishing his food as Jin Jin wanted to have more food.

Exactly three weeks after that, he was dying of the cancer. Why? How?

I asked the doctor I wanted to see Jin Jin. We went down to the clinical room. His right paw was bandaged and when we opened the cage door, he wanted to move out of the cage. I was cuddling Jin Jin, kissing him, smelling him and talking to him for a while with tears. I realised that even under very strong sedation, he was absolutely uncomfortable to be touched. I made my decision, but told the doctor I was coming back in 30 minutes.

I left the clinic and the tears were streaming down, and I did not care. I found one of my friends, who knew I had had to take Jin Jin to the vets, tried to call me. I called her back and when she heard my first breath, she realised the worst thing happened to Jin Jin. We cried over the phone.

I skyped my flatmate and we agreed that we did not want Jin Jin to go through more painful treatments. I went back to the clinic very slowly as if I was still hoping Jin Jin would be OK.

I told the doctor our decision. He warmly tried to assure me that our decision was right, but I could not stop feeling guilty. He said that I would not need to see Jin Jin going as many owners could not bear to see it. I hesitated for a minute, but I said to him I wanted to be with Jin Jin when he would go. I did not want Jin Jin to go alone.

When we entered the clinical room, I saw Jin Jin finding me immediately and felt as if Jin Jin asked me to take him home together. I kissed Jin Jin, smelled him, cuddled him and kissed him for a few minutes.

After his heart stopped, I again cuddled Jin Jin and he still smelled as Jin Jin I know well. I did not want him to go. The doctor let me cry there.

Finishing all paper works, I was handed back the carrier. With Jin Jin, it was heavy. How painfully heartbroken it IS to take back the empty carrier. When I left the clinic, the sun was appearing behind the clouds.

How awful to lose two cats within a few months! For the moment, far beyond my coping capacity. On the way home, I could not stop blaming myself, [Have I done a right thing for Jin Jin]?

I cannot be sick because I have to and do want to look after Neko Neko.

When I brought Jin Jin in our life on 4th May, he was quite shy and scared.
(this was taken on 6th May and is one of my favourite photos of Jin Jin)

However, he enjoyed playing the particular game with my flatmate. When the weather was fine for him, he loved sleeping in the living room and asked me to tickle his chest and tummy.

Next month, Jin Jin would have been 12yo and he could have enjoyed his life a few more years. I cannot stop asking, Why him?

Did Jin Jin enjoy living with us? Was he happy to be with us?

Just over six months with us, but Jin Jin really enriched my life this year.

Dear all, thank you for reading this which is my own process for myself to accept the fact. In particular, some of you kindly supported me with the sorrow conversations over skype and phone, how fortunate I am to know you are there for me.

Please forgive my being selfish, but you do not need to reply to me, because I am not able to imagine what I could reply to you.

スクリーンショット 2015-12-25 15.07.06

Bye bye, Jin Jin, sleep well.

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